WASTING TIME WITH YER OLD PAL JERKY Thanks to his stellar subtitle work on such classic films as Nits Make Nice, Man of Medallions, The Dukes of Bangalore and A Paki Gets Cloned, yer old pal Jerky is now a Bollywood big shot! After screening my masterpieces, why not try your hand at making your own? Send me the results, and I'll run the ten best in a future edition of the Daily Dirt! Aw shit... Looks like I got me a new theme song! Anybody out there ever find out what happened to Dr. David Graham, the Louisiana dentist who met three of the 9/11 hijackers ten months before 9/11, reported them to the FBI, wrote a book about it, then suffered a mysterious bout of organ failure in Texas? Any information on Graham's current status -- and the status of his book -- would be greatly appreciated. My dad, an avid sportsman, disapproves. But as far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned, this is the only way to fish. Power Loafing. Hilarious short movies from some of the Mr. Show guys (neither Bob nor David are involved, however). You watch, you laff! If your idea of a good time is perusing a ferociously intelligent Irish muck-raker's hyper-intellectual cultural criticism and your taste in cinema runs tilts towards the "difficult", then the Subject-Barred blog should be right up your alley. All others please consult that brick wall over there. If female soldiers are so worried about getting raped by their male counterparts that they're foresaking water during the daytime so they don't have to go to the latrines at night -- and some of those female soldiers are dying of dehydration as a consequence -- then your military might well be in crisis. Oh, and gals? A word of advice. Until this "problem" of yours gets sorted, try using your helmets. We don't need no steeenking consti-ma-too-shun!!! Project Censored presents the 10 biggest stories the mainstream media ignored over the past year. Read'em and weep. In February 1995, working in conjunction with nutritionists at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, "artist" Michelle Hines "adopted a super fiber-rich diet" which allowed her to successfully produce "a single extruded excrement the exact length of my colon: 26 feet." Special thanks to Cranbrook-Kingswood High School in Bloomfield Hills, who allowed Hines to use their bowling alley, and also to XXX Adult Super-World for generously providing a butt-plug. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 31 On this day in 1696, the creepiest protest march ever takes place when Amsterdam's undertakers take to the streets to demonstrate against proposed funeral reforms. On this day in 1928, 3-M Company begins marketing Scotch Tape. Yer old pal Jerky's still waiting for Sour Mash Bourbon Tape. Today is the 61st anniversary of the execution of Eddie Slovik, the first -- and last -- American soldier to be executed for desertion since the Civil War. Nobody seems to have noticed. On this day in 1964, the Surgeon General releases a ground-breaking report that links smoking to lung cancer. Shortly thereafter, they release another ground-breaking report, this one linking water to drowning. Ding dong, it's the Viet Cong! Ho Chi Mihn's revolutionary army launches the Tet Offensive on this day in 1968. Chaos ensues. On this day in 1990, McDonald's opens their first restaurant in post-Soviet Russia. Mindful of the local palette, this franchise features such unique fare as McStroganoff, McBorscht and Chicken McKiev. February 1 On this day in 1709, British sailor Alexander Selkirk is rescued after spending five years marooned on a desert island at his own request. His adventure -- which mostly consists of eating bugs, masturbating and screaming at the mocking blue sky -- becomes the stuff of literary legend when it's fictionalized by Daniel DeFoe in his novel Robinson Crusoe. On this day in 1929, one Charles Rigoulet successfully "clean and jerks" 401 lbs, 6 oz. It's the first time that more than 400 lbs is lifted overhead in a sporting competition. Nowadays, that happens every Thursday at Kirstie Alley's house. On this day in 1978, once-great film director Roman "the Tweenmaster" Polanski skips bail and runs away to France after pleading guilty to charges that he had sex with a 13-year-old girl in Jack Nicholson's hot-tub. A mediocre second career phase ensues. On this day in 1982, Late Night With David Letterman debuts in the 12:30 AM slot on NBC-TV. Twenty-four years later, Dave is still the man.

THEY SAID IT! "Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally outraged by silence." - Henri Frederic Amiel (1821-1881), philosopher and writer. *** **** *** "I don't think that Americans, in the way they think of themselves as being nice, kind, free, fair, good-natured, jolly little individuals, would willingly opt for fascism; but they could easily be tricked into it." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993), a musical genius who also knew that YES, Virginia, it CAN happen here.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nasir! Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Chaudrey for sending in today's second joke. Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives. "My wife is mad at me again," says the first. "Why?" "I was bombed at the bar across the street last night. And she came looking for me." "What'd you do?" "I asked her for her phone number." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Bucky, and it's RETARDED. Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains. Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus. Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: OLD AGE IS A GIFT care of: N8possibilities Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m., and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ... and I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. - N8possibilities [That's nice, but so is pissing without pain. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky, That guy burning professors at the stake is unwittingly making porn fodder for Andrew Bolt, our own Murdoch-designed Bill O'Reilly... he hates pinko universities so much it seems his arsehole stills stings from that incident in the teachers lounge!! YOP, Kerry Packer [Takes all kinds, I guess. - Jerky] *** **** *** Old pal Jerky, it wasn't Dostoyevsky who said hell was other people, it was JP Sartre! Kerusty [My bad. - Jerky] *** **** *** You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man in Texas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site. Enjoy! [Hmmm... Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. I call fakies! - Jerky] *** **** *** hey jerky dude, That prime minster data pic was friggin hilarious man, i knew he looked kinda familar but i couldnt place it... good eye buddy, thanks for da laughs!! keep up the good work man! dave [I wasn't the first person to spot the similarities, but thanks anyway! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, If the preznit wants to know what everybody is Googeling let's show him. Everybody Google, AOL search, or Yahoo search IMPEACHPAC! Go to every search engine you can find and search for that! I'm emailing the idea to everyone I know. Here's what we're thinking! Scoot [ImpeachPac, eh? Nice. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky. Walmart is giving out free samples. Get them while they're free! SingleM29 [The first one's always free, kid. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky! Here's some mindless entertainment for you. Jerome [That gives me a great idea for one of those "mobile" sculptures. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com