TRUST ME. IT'S BETTER THIS WAY. Huzzah! At long last! It's about fuckin' time! Roughly 20,000 years' worth, come to think of it... Finally, after years of false starts and tantalizing glimpses, the golden promise of the future we all spent the last decade dreaming about has arrived! Yes, that's right, you guessed it... the Japanese are getting ready to clone a Wooly Mammoth! Of course, saying it and doing it are two vastly different things. It's not like you can get a Wooly Mammoth by shmearing some Rogaine on a retired circus elephant and hoping for the best. Akira Irytani of Kinki University in Japan recently explained to Western journalists that she and her co-researchers would be using genetic material discovered in a twenty thousand year old specimen recently discovered in the frozen wasteland of Siberia. Once the DNA has been fully sequenced, the ultimate resurrection of this long-extinct species should only be a matter of time. Of course, such meddling with the balance inherent in the biological world doesn't come without a few risks. Re-introducing such a genetic anachronism into the delicate biosphere could potentially lead to ecological devastation as unforeseen consequences rip through the natural order of things, leaving only a civilization in ruins and a stark white horror in their wake. And all because a few scientists were unable to recognize the truth about the abomination they unwittingly unleashed upon the world. Now, I don't know about you folks, but that's a chance yer old pal Jerky thinks is worth taking. After all, if we're supposed to fight fire with fire - and ice-cream with ice-cream - then surely the best way to defend against the branches of "mad science" that threaten to destroy us all is to harness a little "mad science" of our own! And the way yer old pal Jerky sees it, once the robotics and A.I. geeks fuck everything up - and our impossibly cruel mechanical overlords herd us into "flesher" reservations where they intend to fatten us up for eventual slaughter and devouring - putting together a Mounted Mammoth Cavalry might be the only way for the human race to survive… for a little while longer, at least. So, from all of us here at the Daily Dirt to all you hard-working Japanese genetic microbiologists who are messing in Godzilla's domain, we say to thee… Rotsa ruck, and Godzillaspeed! *** **** *** DATELINE -- LOS ANGELES! Boy, this brou-haha over a political cartoon depicting Preznit Dubya with a gun to his head - a send-up of the classic "roadside execution" photograph from the Vietnam War - sure is a big fucking joke, ain't it? That the Secret Service should feel the need to "investigate" the artist in question - a Pulitzer Prize winner and a longtime Bush supporter who wanted to articulate his erroneous opinion that Preznit Dubya is the victim of "politics" rather than his own hubris and criminality - should be a bracing reminder to us of how far down the slippery slope we've slid since September, 2001. If you're paranoid like yer old pal Jerky is, this almost seems pre-planned in a way, doesn't it? Go after a pro-Bush cartoonist now so the moderates, lefties and liberals don't make too much of a fuss. Then, when the cartoonist crackdown begins in earnest, those who failed to complain when it happened the first time will be open to charges of hypocrisy, because they didn't defend the stupid-ass right-winger. Hell, maybe the cartoonist, himself, is in cahoots with 'em! These days, you just can't be sure. DATELINE -- MOOSEJAW! Absolutely NOTHING happened in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, Canada yesterday. You may carry on. DATELINE -- DEATLAB! Can it be true? Did our old pal Rotwang really get his hands on a copy of the long-lost Narvel Addams shlocksploitation classic The Insane 3-Headed Transplant? A flick that features the talents of the recently-departed Buddy Hackett, Buddy Ebsen AND Barry White?! All this, and a real nice bit about Bobby Darin, too? I'M SO FUCKIN' THERE, DUDE! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com
ON THESE DAYS! July 22 Notorious bank-robber and crazy motherfucker John Fuckin' Dillinger was gunned down by the FBI after getting tripped up by his huge fuckin' cock and balls while running away at full speed from Chicago's Biograph Theatre where he had just taken in a gangster flick, on this day in 1934. The feds finally caught up to him only after being tipped off by a prostitute who wanted the $10,000 reward being offered for information leading to his capture, probably for plastic surgery to repair the massive damage Dillinger had previously inflicted upon her vagina. Actually, that's all just a myth, you know. On this day in the year 1988, fearing that any advances they make will eventually find their way into dangerous hands, a group of 500 American research scientists pledge to boycott any and all biological weapons development proposals sent their way by the Reagan administration. I wonder if even these thoughtful, forward thinking gentlemen could envision a day when the wrong hands would be our own. And, finally, on this day in 1991 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a couple beat cops spot a naked screaming man running down the street in handcuffs. After they calm the guy down, he tells them that he's just escaped from a psychopathic lunatic who picked him up in a gay bar, and who was now threatening to kill and eat him. Upon being led back to this appartment, the previously dubious cops were shocked to discover a number of severed human heads in the fridge, a fifty-seven gallon drum full of acid with a half-dozen corpses in it, and a mild-mannered, bespectacled cannibal by the name of Jeffrey Dahmer.
THEY SAID IT! "The larger point is, and the fundamental question is, did Saddam Hussein have a weapons program? And the answer is, absolutely. And we gave him a chance to allow the inspectors in, and he wouldn't let them in. And, therefore, after a reasonable request, we decided to remove him from power, along with other nations, so as to make sure he was not a threat to the United States and our friends and allies in the region." - Preznit Dubya continues to lie his fucking ass off, and our cowardly, intimidated media continue to let him get away with it. Saddam wouldn't let inspectors into Iraq?! COME ON!!! *** *** *** "Is now the time? Is this is where we start to notice how it is all coming unraveled, Bush's snide web of lies just too flagrant and too insulting for too long, CIA directors and intelligence experts and military leaders and scientists and the like all coming forward now to refute any number of false BushCo claims, the chinks in the armor now becoming cracks and fissures and flubs and stumbles and ultimate raging implosions? Is this why impeachment proceedings have yet to begin in earnest against BushCo? Because we're just too stunned, too frozen in disbelief at the mounting mountains of evidence that we have been duped and misled and lied to on a scale we can't really begin to assimilate?" - There is, of course, always an exception that proves the rule. In this case, the superlative Mark Morford of the San Francisco Gate who flays Preznit Dubya alive* and leaves his rotting, shattered carcass for the buzzards, in this excoriating editorial for the San Francisco Gate. *to any Secret Service agents who might be confused: that was a metaphor. JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Mike Brooks. A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke. O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat." The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?" O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat." The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty joke was sent in by Kirtikant Shah. A whore when died, was taken to Chitragupta, (the accountant of our sins and holy work). Looking at her account, Chitragupta told to Yamraj "Sir, she has slept with thousands of men, she has no morale and so she must get a punishment of Hell" Th whore said " Sir, Mr. Chitragupta is a lier, I have not slept with any other except my hubsand" "He can not be a lier" said Yamraj. "What if he is prooved to be" Challanged whore. "If so you will be sent to heaven" said Yamraj " Well, then I will explain you what part mr. Chitragupta had said wrong" "It is true that I am a whore" but She added "all my custommer took me either on all four, or in standing or in lap" "none had asked me to lie while fucking" "Thus, it would be wrong to say that I had slept with thousands of people" "Chitragupta, is this correct?" Yamraj asked. "Well, Sir, if you go finer detail of her advantures, she is right" murmured Chitragupta. Well she can demonstrate new techniques, thinking Yamraj ordered to send her to Yamsadan, the first of the seven heavens and his own homeland, hurrying to go home. ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: MOPJ, Your quote from pfc Jason King in the "They said it" section has been said many times, in many ways, after many conflicts. It still remains as true today as it did to the forces in Korea, Germany and (for all I know) Britain after the Roman invasion. You know it, I know it, the troops know it but the top brass will NEVER accept that their policy is wrong. I am willing to bet that pfc King's next letter home will have a postmark with Diego Garcia or Alaska on it! Signed: Keith That would be par for the course, of course, of course. Still, yer old pal Jerky sure fuckin' hopes you're wrong about this. *** **** *** Jerky; In regards to your story about the benefits of masturbation. If it's true that ejaculating more reduces your chance of cancer, how come we don't see more priests with inflamed prostates? Oh, now hang on a minute... Okay, on second thoughts, should we be looking for an increase in ass cancer amongst alter boys? Cheers! Signed; Rosco Or -- more likely -- AIDS, rectal prolapse and the self-recriminating mental anguish of shame and guilt that leads to suicidal tendencies in early middle age. Not to mention accute embarrassment when the news hits the papers! *** **** *** Yo Jerks! What happened to the daily pic's? same pic's every day, who is slacking off on the job? Signed: Dan Cron Actually, Dan, we're not running the same pics every day. It's just that we don't archive them anymore, so you can't go back to your old editions of the Dirt to check out past pics. If you check the Dirt tomorrow, you'll see that there is an entirely new set of pictures up. And if you check your back-issues (which I assume you're diligently archiving, if not printing them out and binding them in a handsome leather binder of some sort, suitable for display in home or office), you'll see that this whole new set of pics is also the "same pic's every day," erroneously speaking of course. So, Dan, if you should happen to fall in love with one of our cunt-spreading porno models -- and no, I can't give you her home phone number -- then please, do yourself and yer old pal Jerky a favor by saving her picture to your very own hard-drive. Just use your mouse to move your cursor over the image, hit the right button on your mouse, choose "save picture as," choose an appropriate location on your drive -- such as My Pictures -- and hit "Save." See? Easy as pie. Easier, actually. A pie isn't an easy thing to make. Not from scratch, anyway. Besides, I'm on a diet, so I can't even eat pie, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring it up anymore. Hey, did you know that jacking off is good for your prostate? Fucking hell, these B-12 shots are driving me nuts. READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: PEACHES WITHOUT THE FUZZ Care of: Black Dog Hey Jerkster, Some friends and I were at a strip club the other night. It was a rather upscale place with guys in white shirts and black ties maintaining order, very nice waitresses and a lovely crew of girls. There was not an unattractive dancer in the place, and we made that observation before we had our beer goggles on. The joint even had a men's room attendent. As the night went on, however, I noticed something that struck me odd, if for no other reason than its "same-ness creeps" uniformity. Every dancer in the place -- hotties all, don't get me wrong -- but every damned one of them was completely clean shaven. Nary a pube in the place. I have been in strip clubs from Frankfurt, Germany to Harker Heights, Texas, so I've seen the gamut, from the mohawk to the Hitler, from clean shaven to the abandoned property/vacant lot look. But this was the first club I'd been in for a while, and my companions assured me that they were all "that way" now. What gives? Is this an Illinois phenomenon? The women I've talked to [who aren't strippers] have offered up explanations ranging from a Carolina girl who said, "I like the feel; the way my jeans and undies rub me with the hair gone," to a California girl who said, "Getting rid of it made it easier to masturbate." Another girl I was sexually involved with said she tried shaving it, didn't like the hassle, so went back natural. The one I'm with now maintains a trim. I guess my whole complaint is the lack of variety. Are strippers now required to follow some Uniform Code of Stripper Appearance? On an unrelated note: Upon your recommendation, we rented and watched DAGON, after a bit of a search. Wow. - Black Dog [The two topics -- "Dagon" and stripper's vaginas -- aren't as unrelated as they might at first seem, BD. Probably the biggest difference is that one is all about gaping, fishy, slimy maws from the underworld, and the other is a horror movie. - Jerky] Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com