MORE TOP TEN LISTS? WHY NOT?! Texas energy titan ENRON touched off a wave of corporate scandals when it collapsed 18 months ago, taking down millions of hard working Americans' dreams for a comfy retirement in the process. Today, the racketeering fraudsters with fathoms-deep connections to the Bush crime family intends to rise, Phoenix-like, from the ashes of ignominy, only this time as two "new" companies, complete with fresh new names and corporate images. The first new company will focus on domestic interests, and will be called CrossCountry Energy Corp (a fact which we relay here to you, dear reader, only as a warning and not an endorsement). The second company will primarily focus on foreign deals, and has yet to be named. Seeing as a large part of Enron's creditors' payback (about fourteen cents on the dollar, if they're lucky) will be handed over in the form of equity in these two "new" ventures, it is obviously essential that they pick a good name. Of course, we here at the Daily Dirt are always looking for ways to help out our corporate betters. That's why we put together this here list of the: TOP TEN NAMES for the NEW ENRON SPIN-OFF COMPANY! Our Top Ten lists go to Eleven! - Jerky 11. ScamCo 10. Encurly, Enlarry or Enmoe (a three way tie!) 9. I Can't Believe It's Not Enron! 8. The Emperor's New Clothiers 7. Enron II: Oil, Gas and Electric Boogaloo 6. The White Collar Syndicate 5. The Amalgamated Profiteering Co. 4. The Pyramid Sche - I mean Group! 3. ILM (International Loot and Monopoly) 2. Excon ("Because everyone deserves a second chance!") 1. Mother Raping Baby Eaters Incorporated *** ***** *** The Education Ministry in Kuala Lumpur is attempting to formulate a "common prayer" for their schools to implement, because there have been complaints that local schools have become "too Islamic." Datuk Abdul Rafie Mahat, the city's Director General of Education Services, said this was to ensure "the common values of all religions were reflected" in a student's daily life. "We want to formulate a common prayer, which would not offend anyone," he recently explained to the press. "Every religion has its own way of doing things. This common prayer will be a guide on how schools can do things without offending anyone else." According to reports, Mahat was gonna shell out big bucks to some consultants and clergy to hammer out this common prayer, but yer old pal Jerky thought he'd save them the cash and hassle by whipping one off, himself. Here it is. The New Common Prayer for Indonesian Schools! Our Father, Mother or sexually ambiguous mass of amorphous proto-jelly who art somewhere… hallowed be thy name. That is, if you even have a name. If not, please disregard the whole name thing. Thy kingdom come - as long as it's nice - thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, or Nirvana, or Valhalla, or the Happy Hunting Grounds, or even Hell, come to think of it. Give us this day our daily gluten-free, unleavened bread made with soymilk, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us - or as we tear those who have trespassed against us a new asshole, depending on the identity of the deity who is currently in receipt of this non-denominational communication. You could be Loki for all I know, so anything goes, right? Anyhoo, deliver us from - or to - evil, and deliver us not into temptation, unless delivering people into temptation is, like, your whole "trip" or something. Later, dude! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 15 On this day in 1869, everybody's third-favorite toast spread margarine is patented in Paris, for use as a butter substitute by the French Navy. It is neither healthier, nor is it better tasting than butter, but it does serve nicely as an inexpensive lubricant for anal sex. How ironic, then, that it should be made with "rape seed oil." Dubya's "Total Information Awareness" guru John Poindexter - the biggest Big Brother yet - spent this day in 1987 telling lies to the Congress during the Iran-Contra hearings. He would ultimately be convicted of conspiracy, lying to Congress, defrauding the government, and destroying evidence in the still poorly-understood guns-for-drugs-for-hostages-for-blood scheme dreamed up in the White House basement during the Bush/Reagan reign of terror. And now he's back. Go figure. As we do every year on this day, we here at the Daily Dirt would like to take time out to extend our most sincere best birthday wishes to the wealthiest man in the world: the Sultan of Brunei! Long may he reign supreme over the swarthy people of his sultanate! And, as we do every year on this day, feel free to contact yer old pal Jerky at feedback@dailydirt.com to find out about the great investment opportunities to be had here at Daily Dirt Incorporated!

THEY SAID IT! "Are more people going to die? You bet!" - Secretary of Defense Donald "Donny" Rumsfeld, during a press briefing given on July 13. *** *** *** "The bottom has been gotten to." - Outgoing White House spokes-liar Ari Fleischer, during the scrum on July 14. We certainly hope so, Ari... we sincerely fucking hope so.

JOKES! Today's first jokes were sent in by our old pal Billy Walker... A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who took a shotgun and shot him down out of there for Sunday dinner. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Sanguine for sending in today's second joke. Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and saw a white band just above his eyes to the top of his head. Fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him that he needed to come to his office immediately. Upon examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink. Jesse did and replied that it tasted like shit to which the doctor replied, "It was shit, Jesse! Bullshit, to be precise! You were a quart low!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty joke was sent in by Caviezel. 1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. 2nd man: Oh really, what happened? 1st man: After the first two, I felt better.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; Why not you never run my jokes I send you? I will send you some of the best jokes you have ever heard. Now, to prove I am not bull shitting, what about the deaf spider? What about the Irishman going into space with a monkey? and the Gorilla who goes to the pub? Signed: Alan No comment. *** **** *** Jerky???? wtf????? i go to your site to vote and i get another dailydirt????? maybe im retarded......Anyways its its got to be richard pryor,,,,,for his stand up stuff.... His bit from stir crazy,,,,, WHY DID YOU KILL EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE????? cause they were home!!!!!!! They dont fuck you in the ass cause they like it!!!!! they just want to see the look on your face!!!!!!!!!! Whats this????? richard pryor running down the road on fire!!!! he has my vote!!!!! tahnks for all the laffs youve given me,,, damn it Signed: an american in canada Yeah, Pryor got MY vote, too. *** **** *** Dear Jerkster; Without putting yourself behind bars, answer me this question. What do you want to see happen to the preznit and his cronies? I mean at the end of the day, what do you really, sincerely, in your deepest heart of hearts, WANT to see happen to them? Signed: Ruggio Hmmm... I don't have a definitive answer to that question. I want to see some accountability, but more important, for me, is that everybody understands exactly why they're being held accountable (if that blessed day should ever come). Other than that, I would really like to see Colin Powell lose it and throw punches at a reporter. I wouldn't mind seeing TV footage of Dick Cheney being carried out of a known whorehouse on a stretcher. Before I die, I want to see Condoleezza Rice cry on television. I would LOVE to see Dubya freeze in the spotlight during one of his bullshit photo-op press scrums and have an epic nervous breakdown, calling on God, speaking in tongues, tearing his clothes off... let the fifty million fucking IDIOTS who voted for this puppet fraud - this global threat to the species as a whole - know just exactly how unworthy of the franchise they proved themselves to be (ultimately and paradoxically proving the anti-democracy forces correct, in a way).

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE RELATIVITY OF EVIL Care of: Jim Davis Jerky, I only have a couple corrections for your recent "The TOP TEN TIPS from the VATICAN SUMMER SEX MANUAL for TEENS." 1. Jesus was NOT GOD himself. Jesus was the son of God, therefore there is NO incestuous relationship. 2. A pedophile was/is created, organized, and enforced 100% by the same government you oppose so much. 75 or more years ago, 14-16 was the "marrying age" and most women were married by that time. Keeping that in mind, it is fairly safe to assume that most everyone has at least one father/grandfather who was a pedophile at one time. Likewise, under these same guidelines, nearly everyone has had at least one of their mother's/grandmother's "raped" at an early age in their life. Making a law like the one against pedophiles is just another tool invented by the government in order to tax citizens for doing what they enjoy. It's a typical example of how the government uses human enjoyment as a target for their ever increasing income necessary to pad the pocketbooks of politicians. They target something people enjoy most and make it illegal. People will still do it, and now it becomes a governmental revenue. No different than the prohibition, laws against racing and speeding, marijuana and anything else which was once legal but now is not. - Jim Davis [That's the kind of thinking that will lead to you being repeatedly sodomized in the prison shower room by Bubba and Tyrone, the interracial anal-rape tag-team title-holders at whatever penitentiary they're gonna lock you up in, just as soon as you act on your wiggedy-whack belief system, regardless of the validity, or not, thereof, as they say. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com