WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?! HYPOCRITES ON PARADE! Right-wing fundamentalist Christian Michael Johnston, who was featured in a controversial 1998 television ad in which he appeared with his mom and claimed to have "walked away from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ," has experienced what his friends are euphemistically referring to as "a moral fall." By that, they mean that Johnston found a vast number of gay sex partners on the Internet, whereupon he fucked and sucked them to his little homo heart's content. As one of his regular (unprotected) sex partners said of the HIV+ Johnston: "He would have these parties, get a hotel room, get online and invite tons of people - he just wouldn't care." As leader of Kerusso Ministries, Johnston didn't only star in "ex-gay" commercials. He was part of a coalition of conservative religious groups - including Americans for Truth, the Family Research Council, Coral Ridge Ministries, Concerned Women for America and AFA - which launched a national print and television "public service" campaign preaching that gays can convert to heterosexuality… with a little help from Jesus the Christ, of course! He was a central figure in the movement, who toured the country preaching the sexual preference-conversion gospel. Furthermore, it's not like Johnston is the first "star" in the ex-gay constellation to fall from grace and into the hairy arms of his former sinful ways, either. Consider the case of ex-gay couple John and Anne Paulk, who made the cover of Newsweek in 2000 as "recovered homosexuals." Recently, John was photographed at one of Washington D.C.'s most notorious gay bars, grinding his moneymaker into another man's moneymaker. Wifey Anne was nowhere to be found. [Did anybody check the men's room? - Jerky] Next up in our parade of hypocrites is CNN morning anchor Jack Cafferty - the phony tough-guy O'Reilly clone who once called for the return of the military draft because "kids today have no sense of responsibility." Seems Jack was tooling around New York in his Cadillac a couple months ago when he smacked into a bicyclist, then fled the scene, dragging the victim's bike along with him as he bulled his way through two red lights in a guilt-and-fear-fueled panic, while a police officer and a number of pedestrians gave chase! Fortunately, a witness noted the license plate number on the Caddy, and gave it to the cop on the scene. Without it, the cowardly Cafferty very likely would have gotten away with this vehicular assault. Also fortunately, the victim wasn't killed in the incident, suffering relatively minor injuries. Unfortunately (and inexplicably), "Mister Responsibility" got off with a $250 fine and 70 hours of community service after pleading guilty to "hit-and-run on a bicyclist." Cafferty's lawyer, Seth Rosenberg, told the Atlanta Journal Constitution: "This was never anything more than a traffic incident. Jack acted responsibly in this, as he always has." Insert your favorite lawyer joke here. *** **** *** IT'S POLL TIME! A while ago, we here at the Daily Dirt asked you the following question: If you were given the power to heal any one celebrity, which of the following would you choose? Super-quad Christopher Reeve? Alcoholic Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox? Multiple sclerosis-suffering comedy giant Richard Pryor? Multiple sclerosis-suffering Mouseketeer Annette Funicello? Well, the results are in, and they were surprisingly close. Insider favorite Christopher Reeve came in second (27.21%), while 80's phenom M.J. Fox topped the list with 32.83% of the vote. Yer old pal Jerky's personal favorite Richard Pryor scored a respectable 21.92%, while all but 17.86% of the Daily Dirt's readers would leave poor old Annette Funicello twitching in a puddle of her own bodily effluence. Anyway, now that that messy business has been taken care of, it's time for a NEW POLL! Here is your question: If you were stuck in prison and were forced to engage in homosexual activity, which of the following acts would you LEAST want to perform? 1. Suck Dick ~ We're talking about the full deal, here -- deep-throat gagging, swallowing the load, licking the balls -- the works! 2. Get Ass-Fucked ~ Slam, bam, thank-you-Sam, sphincter-ripping, unlubricated ass-fucking, right up your poop chute. 3. Toss a Salad ~ For those of you not in the know, this means licking and sucking another man's grody asshole, oftentimes with jelly, syrup or hot beef gravy. 4. Take part in a Prison Rape ~ You've joined the Aryan Brotherhood for protection, and as an initiation, they want to force you to take part in the gang-rape of the cell-block retard. The screaming, the bleeding, the blood and shit… Ugh. So those are your choices! Think long and hard about your choices, folks. Real long, and real hard. As always, you can vote at www.dailydirt.com, in the left-hand column, directly beneath the free pics and Rotwang listing. Good luck, and may the least heinous gay prison sex act win! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 8 On this day in 1955, a conference is held in Geneva to discuss potential "peaceful uses" for the atomic bomb. Yer old pal Jerky's favorite suggestion? Use a few thousand to carve the moon into a continent-sized sculpture of Ludwig von Beethoven's head! On this day in 1876, some dude by the name of Dan O'Leacy finishes a 500-mile walk that takes him exactly 139 hours and 32 minutes to complete. That reminds yer old pal Jerky of the time he forgot his car keys on his desk, and had to walk all the way back from the parking lot to fetch them, then walk all the way back to his car, afterwards. If I recall correctly, that task felt like it took 139 hours and 32 minutes to complete, too. On this day in 1974, while Tricky Dick Nixon was being flown back to the neofascist cradle-forge of Orange County with his forked tail tucked between his waxy, sallow legs in brooding, half-felt disgrace, newly sworn-in President Gerald Ford goes on television and declares: "My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over." But it wasn't, really... was it?

THEY SAID IT! "Dear (God/Allah/Buddha/other entity of your choice), we ask you to afflict Bill O'Reilly with a brain aneurysm that will lead to his slow and painful death. O, Lord, may his blood vessels bulge out of his head and explode without mercy. May he writhe in agony on his office floor at Fox studios right after taping The O'Reilly Factor. O, God, may he reach for the phone to call 911 and accidentally dial 411. May he desperately gasp for breath and recall all the people he shouted down with no mercy. May he lay on the floor and twitch uncontrolably as he contemplates his worthless life. O, Lord, may he lose control of his bowels in those final moments so that the last and only warm feeling he ever experiences is his own shit. We ask this in all sincerity and humbleness. Amen." - Legendary Hustler publisher, First Amendment martyr and future California governor Larry Flynt has put up a pretty good political website. His "parody" prayer for FOX News-clown Bill O'Reilly's death is a current highlight. *** *** *** "With songs like Be A Man, RU Ready, It's A Macho Thang, and the in your face song Remember Me, this CD is sure to make a lot of waves in the music industry. Macho Man paved a path in the wading pool of wrestling, now it's time for him to make bigger waves in the musical pool. And I just feel sorry for anyone that gets caught in the undertow." - It's nice to see that Randy "Macho Man" Savage is keeping busy in his golden years, even if it is on a money-wasting, delusion-fueling vanity project like this CD he's working on.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Mick Fuhrman. Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: "How the hell do you breath out of that?!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Typhoon for sending in today's second joke. One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we???" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty joke was sent in by Sarah E. An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hai! You used to display messages from different people either seeking male/female with interest in erotic stories or encounters and communication was free as e-mail address was available. You have stopped it blocking chance of meeting people seeking same interest. Could you not stasr it once again? Your reply to this will be appreciated. Signed: Kish Dear Kish; Unfortunately, we won't be "stasring" up the late and not-so-lamented Daily Dirt "personals pages" again, because there was way too much work involved in policing the ASSHOLES who saw fit to take advantage of a free and open system by filling it full of a) ads for highly illegal goods and services, b) KKK and other white supremacist propaganda, and c) the same damn personal ad, posted over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again by idiots who shouldn't even own computers, much less be allowed on the Internet. Plus, we never made a dime off it. So no, it isn't coming back any time soon. *** ***** *** A couple of Questions. If life is so bad and you have nothing but endless melacholy in your soul, why are suffering this diet to get skinny so you can live longer? And those worst jokes, are these really pitiful people with the language and humor skills of a rotting lump of dog shit? Or is it the beginning of a random computer intelligence pulling itself up from the primordial soup of millions of computers tied together with badly written software and viruses (viri?) on the framework of the internet, as it slowly tries to understand the confused and illogical minds of its creators by inserting these feeble jokes and observing our reactions? Signed: Finnegan Dear Finnegan; To answer your second question first, if a mutagenic all-seeing inorganic meta-consciousness were to arise from the soulless, digital maelstrom of ones and zeros that swirls just beyond our monitor screens, I would hope that it could come up with better jokes than: Q: Why are Brazilians so good at making women pregnant? A: They can lob Seaman from thirty yards. Now, to answer your first question second, the reason yer old pal Jerky is trying to keep himself alive for the time being is because he doesn't want to miss out on seeing Lord of the Rings: Return of the King this coming December, and that prospect was starting to look a little iffy about a month ago. *** ***** *** Dear Jerky, This is a link to even more of the scientists who have died for unknown reasons. It boggles the mind. In fact, one of these scientists was murdered near where I live. It was supposed to be some kind of lone Columbine-type teen thing, but I can't help but add this scientist to the ever-growing pile of bodies. This link concerns this scientist's murder, which was done with a sword. Even more interesting is the fact that the Howard Hughes Medical Institute (HHMI) is breaking ground on the site of an old farm right down the road from where I live in Leesburg, VA. Here is a link concerning five scientists with connections to HHMI who are dead. Please peruse at your leisure. It's all very interesting to me! Signed: Biggie Smalls Jenkins Dear Anon; Yeah... interesting in a Chinese curse kind of way.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE "CONSPIRACY NUT" CANARD Care of: John Malloy So if there are spooky spooks running black ops, and shadow governments shadowing the shadows (no doubt while IN the shadows), and that bullshit Operation Northwoods (1) that you're so fond of talking about going on, answer me this. Why the fuck haven't they just made up a couple of bio weapons and PLANTED them where a CNN news crew could fall over them? (2) I wrote to you a year ago about this x-files stuff (and had the dubious distinction to be the LAST Daily Dirt writer inner to have their email address tagged to my comments. I still have this fuckin lunatic in Austrangia sending me more coded messages than John Nash EVER dreamed of). But seriously, doncha think the easiest way out of this ordeal would be to just fake it, if in fact, these guys were half as devious and resourceful as you put them up to be? The bottom line is that Occam's Razor applies. (3) In the absence of mitigating data, the simplest answer is usually the right one. There's no shit over there, everyone knows it, and there's no black ops guys painting Iraqi flags on newly minted nukes placed for the media show. There's nothing, and we should just be ashamed of attacking that country. (4) You paint everything government as some kind of monolithic fortress, (5) capable of anything, willing to DO anything, yet here we sit watching this administration jump through hoops (6) rather than fake it, even when they know that we'd eat that shit up like nuthin. But no, no convenient end has been programmed into prime time, just the government twisting in the breeze. They're incompetent, bumbling, and basically unguided, (7) I'll give you that, but they're not a James Bond Movie. I stick to my original comment, where I said that the government can't get the mail delivered, (8) never mind pulling off the kind of stuff that you and some of my fellow Dirt readers think the government is capable of. If they could, it would have happened by now. (9) - John Malloy [I'm working on a longer piece exploring the fundamental nature of conpsiracy, as well as the knee-jerk rejection of the possibility of conspiracy that so many otherwise inteligent people manifest. I realize I've been saying that for a while now, but, well... you know... In the meantime, however, I would like to address some of the erroneous assumptions you have made in the above Soapbox. I have numbered them in your text, for convenience and clarity. 1. No matter how much you might wish it were so, Operation Northwoods -- the Top Secret memorandum that described U.S. plans to covertly engineer various pretexts (including faking terrorist attacks on Americans and blaming them on the Cubans) that would justify a U.S. invasion of Cuba -- is not bullshit. 2. The U.N. is going to want to have a look at any WMD that U.S. forces might uncover. For specialists and inspectors who have spent their entire adult lives studying these things, any plants of fakes would be pretty easy to spot. Look at the shitstorm they kicked up with their forged Nigerian "Yellow Cake" documents! Can you imagine the international fallout if they got caught planting WMD? No... the potential backlash such a revelation might create in the only enemy from which TPTB have anything to fear -- the American public -- would be too much for them to handle. 3. Occam's Razor is a useful tool, not a final arbiter. 4. Ashamed? Nah. Embarrassed, maybe. 5. No I don't. 6. This administration has not been made to jump through hoops yet. Soon, perhaps, but not yet. 7. These people are anything but unguided. They're positively visionary. The problem is, their vision is a eschatological nightmare tableau. 8. The mail service in this country is speedy and efficient. It is the absolute best mail system in the entire world. You need to refresh your cliché caché. 9. What makes you think it hasn't happened already? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com